My story Part 3: The newborn phase

I wrote this series of articles to share the story of my pregnancy, the birth of my son and the time after he was born. I experienced many ups and downs in this time, and I know I’m not the only one. I believe that my experience has purpose, and I hope to inspire other moms to share their stories as well.

We were two weeks into the newborn stage. We had an appointment at a baby clinic. I barely slept an hour or two the previous night and was crying uncontrollably. I was feeling off and overwhelmed. I was really struggling to cope. That day the sister referred me to a psychiatrist. I knew something was wrong.

The first night in the hospital I didn’t have any idea what was expected of me. Should I try to sleep? Should I hold him? Should I feed him? I don’t remember him crying though. When I told one of the nurses that I wanted to try and feed him, she told me that his nappy should be changed first. I didn’t take her comment well; it felt rude and unsolicited to me. I was already in a very vulnerable place after the traumatic birth and that pushed me over the edge. In the morning when the doctors came to check up on us, I couldn’t control my emotions. My OBGYN prescribed the first medicine for my mental health that day. She also assured me that it would increase my milk supply when it comes in about 2 days later.

The first day in hospital I didn’t have much colostrum and was still struggling with the latch, thus he was fed formula the first few feedings. Colostrum is the first milk a woman’s body produces for her baby. When a C-section is performed, your body doesn’t go through the natural process of giving birth and producing milk soon after. It takes a day or two before the milk comes in.

The second day we noticed that the colostrum was plentiful, and I fed him a few times. That night my milk finally started to come in. I was so relieved and happy. I phoned my husband in the middle of the night to tell him the good news. It was a highlight of the hospital stay. It meant that if I had enough breastmilk, no formula was needed anymore. It was my wish to breastfeed him exclusively.

The rest of the hospital stay was pleasant. I had healthy meals. I was surrounded by loved ones every day throughout the day. We also contacted a lactation consultant who came to show me what to do in terms of breastfeeding. I had forgotten everything they taught me in pre-natal classes. I was getting more and more confident in my breastfeeding and nappy changing abilities. It also helped me to know that someone was there to help me at any moment with the push of a button.

On the fourth day, we went home. My mind started to race. Will I be able to take care of him at home without the help of nurses? Will I manage bathing and feeding him? Thankfully my husband and our parents were at our house those first few weeks. Our parents cooked meals for us and gave us support where needed.

Breastfeeding our baby was very challenging for me. I didn’t always correct the latch, so it got very sore at one point, but I was determined to keep at it. I kept thinking that I had the opposite birth experience of what I wanted and therefore I WILL breastfeed him. In the early stages I would breastfeed for 50 minutes about every three hours, and I would then pump breastmilk so my husband could feed him a bottle later in the day. We also topped up every meal with some formula milk because they determined that he had a tongue tie. He couldn’t suck effectively and therefore wasn’t getting enough milk. The tongue tie was only cut when he was about two weeks old. I can’t remember if there was much difference after the tongue tie was cut. I was still feeding him 50 minutes at a time. I think we stopped the top-up bottle after a short while though.

In the first week or two we were trying to find our feet caring for our baby. My husband and I would sometimes take turns to feed him the top-up formula milk after breastfeeding. I had an irrational fear that something would happen to him and that it would be my fault. It was so bad that one day when I was giving him the top-up bottle, no one was near us, and it sounded like he was choking. I screamed and shouted anxiously for someone to come and help. He was fine the moment after he coughed, but I was scared to death. The fear was also rooted in lack of knowledge of what to do when he chokes. We decided to go on a first aid course that weekend. It gave me a bit more confidence to look after him. I still dreaded spending time alone with him for several weeks.

I was very emotional those first few weeks, partly because of sleep deprivation. It took me a while to realise that I will not survive if I don’t take naps during the day. Everything else was taken care of by our parents and domestic worker, I just needed to go lay down.

After the sister at the baby clinic (also the lactation consultant) suggested that I see a psychiatrist, I made an appointment. The first appointment available was only two weeks later. It was hard to get through the two weeks, but I knew there was hope.

Some other things I noticed that were signs that I needed help were that I was crying all the time. I had irrational thoughts and fears. I also struggled with intrusive thoughts. Everyone kept saying how beautiful and adorable he is, but I couldn't see it myself. I sometimes shied away from holding him. I was also feeding him alone in his room most of the time. It was so isolating. My brain was also quite foggy. I wouldn’t remember things like I did before. I would set reminders for important things like bathing him and drinking my vitamins. When I look back now, it’s all a blur.

Finally, the day of the appointment with the psychiatrist came. I knew everything wouldn’t be better after, but I had hope that it would eventually improve. The psychiatrist asked a lot of questions, and I walked out with red puffy eyes. She asked about my background and about what was going on in my life. She also asked me to describe the feelings that I was having and about my home life. I felt a little lighter. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression and prescribed pills to improve the chemical imbalance in my brain. Postpartum depression is a serious mental disorder that affects mothers and sometimes fathers after the birth of a child. It lasts more than 2 weeks and interferes with daily life and everyday tasks. Causes include genetics, changes in hormones and emotional stress. Symptoms include difficulty bonding with the baby, thoughts of harming oneself and/or the baby, negative feelings like overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, irritability and feeling fatigued. It is crucial to seek help from a professional for recovery. The psychiatrist said it would take two weeks before I would notice a difference and the pills should be working by four weeks. She also gave me some advice and things I could do to improve my wellbeing like feeding Hannes in the living room instead of isolating us in his room.

I wasn’t entirely honest with the psychiatrist though. I felt ashamed of the intrusive thoughts I had. It was quite dark sometimes, it scared me. I kept thinking that these thoughts are not normal, I must be crazy. Today I know that so many people struggle with intrusive thoughts.

When our baby was about 6 weeks old, I had been taking the medication for two weeks. I had built a type of routine. I would spend some time in the sun every morning with my morning coffee. I would sleep when our baby sleeps during the day. My mental state improved slightly. We were also starting to notice something resembling a smile. It was a great milestone, to get some sort of response from him.

Four weeks after I started taking the medication, I felt a bit better, but I still dreaded looking after him alone. My mother stayed with us for what felt like 10 weeks to help us out in the house. She cooked us meals and supported me emotionally. The thought of her going home made me very emotional. We first booked her a flight ticket back home and when the time came close, I convinced her to stay a little longer. After that I felt like I could not change the date of the ticket again. I will have to suck it up and be strong. I can do this! I took it one day at a time. I also tried to stick to my routine as it helped improve my mental state. My mother phoned me almost every day after she went home. It meant a lot to me.

A few weeks later, we went back to the ENT so he could check that the tongue tie healed nicely and that it didn’t heal attached again. He said that it healed well and didn't attach again. In the same appointment he determined that our son needed grommets. Grommets are small ventilation tubes inserted into the eardrum to drain fluid and help reduce pressure in the middle ear, treating recurring infections and fluid buildup. The procedure is usually a few minutes’ surgery that allows children/babies to recover fast, though specific post-op care is needed. E.g. no water is allowed to get into the ears. He frequently had fluid in his ears and had some inflammation because of it. When he was about two and a half months old, we went to the hospital early in the morning for the grommets’ operation. The last feeding was about 2 or 3 o’clock and he only went into the theatre at 7 or 8 o’clock. We left his dummy at home, so he was crying for an hour or two before he went into surgery. My husband and I took turns to try and console him. Thank God, it was over and done within about 15 minutes and I fed him immediately after. This was a very stressful experience, but I was thankful that my husband and I were in it together.

When our son was about three months old, we had him christened. A lot of family and friends came to show their support. I shared my postpartum depression diagnoses with some of my friends. Some had sympathy but most of them had no idea what I was going through. Some were even surprised to hear about it. This experience inspired me to start writing about what I went through and show mamas going through something similar that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they are not alone.

The C-section under general anaesthesia was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, and it took a toll on me. Trying to process what happened, while caring for a newborn felt impossible. I think it might be one of the reasons why I developed postpartum depression. When I look back, I’m very thankful for the support and prayers from loved ones. God knew what I needed and helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. I wanted to share some Bible verses that got me through that time, but to be honest I didn’t read my Bible often in that time. I struggled to get motivation to do daily tasks. I prayed constantly though. I did find a verse that I highlighted in that time, it is the following: Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” This verse gave me some hope and courage to keep going. Thankfully through it all we had a beautiful healthy baby boy.

I will be sharing my experience with my child as a baby (3/4 months up to 1 year old) in the next article: My story Part 4: The baby phase.